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Well, I started this blog over Thanksgiving break, and since
then, nothing exciting has happened at all. I was beginning to think that
this was all for nothing. But something happened to me recently that I
feel I must share with the world.
Last Sunday, December 17, was the national re-release date for the Nintendo
Wii. My brother Tim, being the wise man that he is, came to me on
Saturday with a plan: we would wait all night outside of Toys 'R' Us and buy a
couple of Wiis. You see, one of his co-workers is friends with one of the
managers there, and he was 100% positive that there were Wiis there.
We showed up at Toys 'R' Us at about midnight
- we had no idea if this would be common knowledge by now in our relatively
small community. No one was there, but there were lights on inside the
store. Before long, we saw movement inside. Five or six workers
were milling about aimlessly. Curious, most curious. We
waited.
It wasn't long after when I started to feel some slightly strange feelings in
my tummy area. It's nothing, I told myself, I just haven't
gotten used to home-cooking yet, all that deep fried cafeteria food has done a
number on me. Tim and I conversed for the next few hours, nervous
that no one else would show up, thus making us look like fools.
At about 2:00, a semi-truck pulled
up. Tim and I went to investigate, but we could see nothing. We
decided to go back to the car and get a little shut eye. By now, my
stomach was still a little uneasy, plus my muscles were a little achy. What
do you expect? You've been sleeping in a car, of course you're going to
be achy! I calmly reassured myself.
At about 5:05, Tim elbowed me awake.
Another car had driven up and parked in the lot. Tim had a hypothesis -
the Sunday paper was delivered at about 5:00,
and they must have been waiting for it. By 5:30,
three more cars were there. By 6:00,
we were all outside the front doors waiting. I was first, Tim was second,
and about six others were behind us. My stomach was still sore, my body
still ached, and now, out in the cold South Dakota
night, I was shivering like there was no tomorrow. No one else is
shivering as much as you are, I began to ponder, suck it up man!
At 7:30, a half hour before the
store opened, there were about 40 people lined up. A manager-looking type
came out with tickets and began passing them out. Up until then, people
had been speculating how many they had in stock. Others had come from
Target and Best Buy, where they had announced that they had only 18 to 25 Wiis,
but more than 100 people were waiting outside those stores. Do you know
how many Wiis Toys 'R' Us had? Eight. That's it. The Krause
boys snatched up a quarter of Toys 'R' Us' Wiis, dooming two other children to
a less than Merry Christmas, or whatever holiday those weirdoes celebrated.
With our tickets in hand, Tim and I returned to the car for a well deserved
nap. Two minutes before the store opened, we began thinking about getting
out and meandering towards the front door. That's when it hit me.
There was this funny feeling in the back of my throat, kind of a mucus build up
sort of thing going on. I tuned to Tim and, in a very calm and collected
voice, said, "I think I'm going to throw up." There was no
sense of panic in my voice, I merely stated a fact. I stepped out of the
car and stood in the median, hands on my hips, and waited. It wasn't long
before...
BLAAAAAARGH!!!
This was a textbook example of projectile vomiting. The splatter landed a
good two to three feet away from me. In fact, it came so quickly that it
didn't even touch the sides of my mouth - I couldn't even taste it. I
wasn't given long to contemplate this when...
BLAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!!!!!!!
Round 2. At this point, my hands are on my knees, I'm breathing heavily,
and Tim is standing ten feet behind me saying, "Dude, are you
ok?" I don't answer him. All I can say is, "Oh Jesus
Christ, oh my God, oh Jeez, oh God..." I think it's over. I've
just vomited twice as much as any one time I've ever vomited before. I
mean, these weren't like little mouthfuls of puke, these are like full fledged
stomach sized hurls. So I'm groaning and taking my Lord's name in vain
for about six to eight seconds, when...
BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!!!!!!!!!
Another one! But it just doesn't stop! Another two seconds and...
BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!!!!!!!!
Ok, so I've just projectile vomited four times, four huge times, in public,
less than fifty feet in front of a Toys 'R' Us on the Wii re-release day.
I'm breathing in, out, in, out, very methodically. I have no idea what is
going on anymore. I take my hands off of my knees, stand up straight,
turn around, and say to Tim, who is unsure whether he should be helping me or
laughing his ass off at me, I say to him, "I...I think it's over. I
think I'm gonna be ok."
BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!!!!!!!
FIVE! Five times. I have never vomited so much in my entire life,
maybe even put together. I mean, this is a lot of puke. The
damnedest thing is though, afterwards, I don't even feel bad! In fact, I
feel great! There isn't that acidy taste in my mouth, my stomach isn't
cramped, my head isn't spinning. I feel great. Ten minutes later,
I'm walking out of Toys 'R' Us with a Wii tucked under one arm and a copy of
"Zelda" in the other.
Unfortunately, about two hours later, all symptoms came back and I've been
either in bed or on the toilet ever since. I can't even play my Wii
because of my explosive diarehia! So, when my bowels settle down, I'll
tell you all how much fun the Wii is! Over and out.
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